Lost?

“Why do you act so opposite… feels like I’m hitting a wall… Its hard to get through to that sensitive, great person underneath the bravado. Not to mention intelligent when you feel like it. Or you’re not afraid…I don’t like what you project but I like the glimpse underneath who seems caring, thoughtful, insightful and shy… I’m pretty sure you’re gonna grow into a pretty amazing individual when you drop the facade and just be you…”

The power of words, hey.

Deep down, I think those words were said from a caring, heartfelt place, but my god… I have never been more confused, flattered, upset and angry all in one. A huge ball of emotions, all in one. An unwanted source of turmoil, I suppose.

Angry that you sent those words to me via a text message.

Angry that you didn’t have the decency or courage to face me and speak to me in person.

Angry that you have had months to say those words to me, but instead you wait until I will indefinitely, or perhaps never, see you again.

But somehow flattered because those words hold the potential for something so beautiful. For the type of person I endeavour to be; kind, caring, thoughtful, intelligent… it’s everything anyone aspires to be, right? They’re the qualities any parent hopes their child will grow up to encompass.

Flattered, because everyone wants to be seen as “an amazing individual” by others; particularly when those words come from someone I admire. Someone intelligent; someone who’s lived and met humans from all walks of life.

But upset because I am not there yet.

Upset because I don’t know how to get there.

Upset because I am trying to be that person; that person I apparently can be… and so much more.

Confused because I don’t know how to get there.

Confused about who I am; how I act; if this is all a “facade” or “bravado”, or if this is really me?

Why can’t I be a thousand colours in one?

Who gives you the right to determine how I should be?

Who gives you the right to judge my character?

I’ve always seen myself as a multi-faceted person. Many of my friends will say I’m loud & outgoing, full of energy and, most of the time, pretty happy. But I’m also horribly awkward and shy; I enjoy my own company and I quite often can’t be bothered with crowds of people. I have many acquaintances, but few close friends – not necessarily something I resent.

I reflect on who I am today and my character, compared to that of even two years ago. We are every changing, and I strongly believe we are adaptable to our circumstances and those around us. I know they say that a fresh start in a new place means that you have the opportunity to be anyone you want, but really, how much of that is pre-determined by the setting and the people there? This, in my opinion, is not insignificant. We are a product of our surroundings.

So as I come to the close of this chapter in my life over the next few months, and begin my next one in a completely foreign environment, I wonder who I’ll be?

Will I live up to your standards?

And will I care if I don’t…?

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